New Gauchos,

Good lord, how I envy you. Young, full of anxious energy, mostly free of STD’s. Many other OTR writers have begun to share their sage advice (read: party strategies) with new students. Very little of my advice is sage; even less of it is parsley, rosemary or thyme. But here’s one fact about UCSB you should revel in: The best and easiest way to gain access to most I.V. parties? Walk through the front door.

Be thankful that Isla Vistans suffer a minimum of preferential treatment and exclusion while some schools require cover charges at their house parties. That’s not simply rude, it’s ****ing amoral.

Remember the Golden Gaucho rule: be chill unto others and they shall bestow booze unto you. Everyone loves a gracious guest, so maybe offer to throw down a couple bucks on beer, hold a homie’s legs for a keg stand, etc. Pay it forward, kids, and everyone stays happy.