So congress just voted to give Wall Street $700 billion dollars so they don’t nosedive our economy to the point where we all become slaves to the Chinese. But I can’t help but think, wouldn’t that money be better spent on other stuff? Here’s what I’d do with it.

1. The Ultimate Frat House

Tear down a shithole frat and replace it with the actual Greek Parthenon, shipped over piece by piece via freighter from Athens. Then totally rig it up with a sick sound system and strobe lights for a weekly “Party at the Parthenon” where everyone would wear togas. If this sounds unreasonable you’re forgetting how much $700 billion dollars actually is.

2. Vodka River

You’ve heard of vodka fountains, those quaint little lighted displays that are classier than just taking pulls from a Svedka bottle. Well, I’m talking a vodka RIVER. Like, carve out a channel through the center of campus, buy 1.7 billion fifths of Grey Goose, and let the good times roll. Although I suppose you’d need a corresponding Orange Juice River to go along with it.

3. Sorority Harem

Tired of those dumb jocks getting all the ladies? Well, wave a ten million dollar check in any girl’s face and before you know it you’ll have 70,000 girls waiting at your beck and call at every city in the country. It’s not prostitution really, it’s just like Ancient Egypt. You can’t say no to historical precedent!

4. Any Degree from Anywhere

Do you want a Harvard MBA but don’t feel like studying 12 hours a day for six years? Well, a billion dollar donation should speed up that process considerably. You could be a John Hopkins PHD, a Yale Law Grad and Harvard Business major all within the span of a week. Although, if you had $700 billion dollars, why would you ever want to work again?

5. Hadron Keg-lider

So we all know that the Hadron Collider is a great scientific achievement. That’s what’s inspired this other monumental underground ring planted firmly beneath campus. But instead of particles whizzing around it, it’s going to be full of 800 million gallons of beer. Taps will rise out of the ground at various points around campus and it’ll be free beer for all 24/7. It’ll never run dry, but remember if you feel like a change, you can always head over to the vodka river.