Since writing for this site I’ve tried to keep things somewhat sophisticated. It’s all gravy that some people wanna talk about ****ing bitches and getting laid or whatever, because once in awhile I like talking about that stuff too. But what I’m mostly trying to do is give a good, clean opinion. That’s why this list is 7 girls I want to marry, not 7 girls I want to give herpes. I based this list on attractiveness, career choices, and predominantly on-screen presence. It might be noted that with some of these girls I want to marry their characters more than I want to marry them.

7. The Girl from the “She Loves Everybody” video by Chester French

She is so damn good looking. I tried to figure out her name but I had zero luck. Part of her appeal is her mystery. The other part is her eyes. And the other part is how she beats the shit out of two guys in this video. Something might be wrong with me but watching this girl throw a punch kind of gets me going.

6. Kristen Stewart

I might be in a minority with this pick. She’s a little young looking, and the fact that she did Twilight really hurts her stock. But on the other hand she has the look of like a tiger or a lion—and I’m big into girls who look like animals. And she smokes weed on her porch and stuff! Also, she took off her pants in Into the Wild!! Who wouldn’t be a fan of that?

5. Megan Fox

She maybe shouldn’t be on the list of girls I want to marry. But then again she should. She is so freaking hot it does not make sense. But that might even be the reason that she shouldn’t be on this list. She’s so hot I kind of just want to do unforgivable things to her. But she can’t be ignored on any list that has anything to do with physical attractiveness. She can be my trophy wife.

4. Katy Perry

She’s willing to makeout with girls…I think. Anyways, that’s enough in my book. She also dresses in a way that makes me smile. She wears clothes from a whole other era and she looks damn good doing it. I also get the impression that she’d be funny and fun to be around, which is a huge plus.

3. Blake Lively

I’m kind of impartial here because Blake Lively looks a hell of a lot like a girl I dated for a long, long time. She’s got great, blonde hair—and I’m a fan of blondes. She’s got a perfectly proportioned body—and I’m a fan of proportioned bodies. She’s got a really great smile—and I’m a fan of really great smiles. In summation, Blake has a lot of things that I am a fan of. On another note, how is Blake the only blonde on

this list? I only date blondes. Apparently, I’m only willing to marry brunettes. Weird.
 

2. Nora Zehetner

Go watch Brick and tell me you don’t want to marry this girl. Do it, I seriously dare you. It’s kind of weak that I’m basing most of my opinion on how she acts in an interpretation of film noir, but **** it. She’s so cool and badass in Brick that I just can’t take my mind off of her. She actually might have been number 1 on the list if I had more means for observation. But if she’s anything like she is in Brick then I would marry her in a second.

1. Natalie Portman

Uhh duh. She’s so damn cute. And she’s so damn cool. The movie choices she makes are impeccable—Leon the Professional, Garden State, V for Vendetta, Closer, and that awesome Wes Anderson short. And I just saw her go Buddhist in a Devendra Banhart video. She’s just really unique, smart and beautiful.