Dear Oscar Award Contender,

You’ve been nominated. Good for you! You probably have a lot of money, shiny hair, a personal assistant, a BlackBerry for your personal assistant, a stylist, a personal assistant for your stylist, and a fast car. But what you don’t have is an Academy Award! Now, of course being the narcissist that you are you probably have already envisioned your Oscar acceptance speech. However, you’ve probably really only mulled over whether to go for the Frenchie double cheek kiss or the good old American single cheek kiss. Decisions! Decisions!

Unfortunately, that’s not the only decision you have to contend with. You’ve got to thank people! Thank your agent! Thank the Academy! What ever happened to the good old days of throwing confetti up in the air and yelling “Happy New Year!”? Well, those damned people at Times Square already have a monopoly on that celebratory action.

Now, you’ve probably just starred in a World War II movie, a Vietnam War movie, a Korean War movie, a movie about a character with disabilities, a movie about a character with supernatural abilities, or a movie directed by Stephen Spielberg. But unlike actually seeing your best friend bleed to death from a shrapel wound, trying to overcome Down Syndrome, or saving the world with mutant powers, acting in a movie doesn’t give you the ability to create dramatic, heart-wrenching speeches thanking Curly Joe for his undying courage, Alice for her ability to love, or Professor Charles Xavier for teaching the Gifted Youngsters.

So what to do when it comes time (maybe) to accept the Oscar? Well, difficult as it may be, try to avoid narcissism. It’s not acceptable to dwell verbally on the fact that an award means that the academy, movie goers, or anyone else really really likes you. Yes, that is true, but no you don’t need to talk about it. Another thing you don’t need to do? Thank God. Guess what, Oscar Contender, in many religious discourses God loves everyone, and he hasn’t shown you any favoritism via the Academy Award victory. If you really feel the need to thank God, go home and pray or pull out your rosary beads during the next person’s speech. Ostentatious faith is not charming.

Also, try to keep your speech brief. If you can make it funny or make fun of your fellow cast members, even better.  Possibly the best Oscar speech ever was made by Louise Fletcher who thanked Jack Nicholson for making “being in a mental institution like being in a mental institution.” So make fun of the director, the producer, or the supporting actresses. Just don’t make fun of the caterers or the extra with  lisp.

Okay, Oscar Contender, now I’ve taught you everything I know. You’ve got all the tricks of the trade: Say no to narcissism, thanking God, and making fun of the little people. Say yes to making fun of everyone else.

Sincerely yours XOXO,

The Award Speech Guru

P.S. Oh and make sure to get teary-eyed.