Alright, this girl is really digging me...  I hope she doesn't ask me to dance again--damn it... ok, don't worry, you're a good dancer... as long as she doesn't do that thing when she dips down really low, you should be fine--oh no, she's doing it.  Calm down, you got this... just kind of bend your knees and act like you know what you're doing.  Wow, she's really spending a lot of time down there... maybe she lost an earring or something.  Didn't they just play this song like ten minutes ago?  Who is on the iPod at this party?  I swear to God, if I hear another song featuring Akon I'm leaving.  Her hands just went up in the air--does that mean she wants me to grab them?  Whatever, you only live once... oh my--oh my god, she just stuck my hands down her jean skirt.  It feels like hand warmers, except with more hair.  

I can't believe she asked me to get her a drink... she must have loved my moves on the dance floor.  She's looking at me right now.  Stay cool, act like you're talking to the guy next to you and then shoot her a quick glance every now and then.  Perfect.  Wait, why is she rubbing her stomach and making the signal for "I'm devouring a huge imaginary sandwich"?  She must not have had dinner or something.  Now all of her friends are doing it.  I've never seen so many girls wearing jean skirts.  Are they all going to the bathroom at the same time?  You know what that means!  Actually, I don't know what it means, but I think it's good.  

I probably shouldn't have chugged those two beers... never mind, she just grabbed my hand so I guess we're dancing again.  Wait, the dance floor is over--we're going upstairs.  I don't think she lives here... what if we get caught?  Oh good, she locked the door, that takes care of that.  Did she just swallow the key to the room?  No way, she's unbuckling my pants... she looks impressed, but she's probably going to get chapped lips because she keeps licking them.  I think I have some Carmex in my pocket, I guess I'll let her use it afterwards.  I can't believe this is happening.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, it feels so much better than I thought it would!  Don't get too excited... just think about sports... run through the Jets starting defense or something.  Oh my god, she's on top now... Shaun Ellis, Shaun Ellis, Shaun Ellis... shit, I forgot who the nose tackle is--oh no, I think I'm about to... no, no, I remembered it, it's Kris Jenkins, ok, still going strong...

Now she's just staring into my eyes, and her lips are getting really chapped.  Guess I should grab the Carmex--wait, what is she doing, maybe she's into bondage or something--ouch, that really hurts.  God, I hope I don't get this chick preggers.  That would be the worst.  Now this is getting uncomfortable, she's getting way too aggressive.  This totally reminds me of what my Dad used to say about girls:  "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em".  So true.  Jesus, this chick needs to cut it out, I'm going to have mad hickeys tomorrow if she keeps it up.  Wait, what am I talking about, I never even met my Dad.  Come to think of it, I've never met anyone's Dad.  I can't think of anyone else on the defensive line, and I've been going for roughly three minutes so she's probably cool if I just let loose.  Wow... that was so much better than I ever imagined.  I can't wait to try this again. Wait, why is she still licking her lips?