Hey guys! It's me, the girl you're currently dating. You know, the one that you're not going to marry but are too lazy to break up with. I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know what to expect on Valentine's Day. The one that's coming up on Saturday.

First, I'll constantly drop reminders that the "Big Day" is coming up, just so you don't forget. I'll ask you things like, "what do you want for Valentine's Day?" and "do you want to go out on a double date that night with my fat roommate and her geeky boyfriend, or should we have an intimate evening out at the most expensive restaurant I can find?"

Obviously, you'll choose the latter option. But before you can fork over $250 for dinner, you have to get me a present! You didn't think that an obnoxiously priced meal was enough, did you? Of course not! You also have to buy me some sort of pricey trinket!

I'm thinking something along the lines of a Coach purse, Movado watch or gold and diamond necklace. I'll let you know what I decide I want, because you'll find ads with the items circled in red ink scattered all over your apartment. Depending on the socio-economic status of my parents, I might ask for a Coach purse stuffed with a Movado watch and diamond necklace. While you can't put a price on love, you can put a price on the gifts that I expect you to buy me. I'm thinking around $800.

But don't worry, sweetie! I've got something really special in mind to give you in return! I've been working with some of my sorority sisters to make these really cute coupons. They're redeemable for things like a back massage, me doing your laundry and even a blow job. I have absolutely no intention of doing any of these things for you, but you don't have to know that!

Now, let's get to the actual night. You'll pick me up around 7, no fewer than a dozen roses in your hand. If you really want to wow me, you'll hire a limo. Once we get to the restaurant, we'll sit down and I'll promptly order a bottle of champagne. A love as mediocre as ours needs to be celebrated!

I won't know how to pronounce anything on the menu, most likely because everything is in French. So, when the waiter walks over and asks what I want, I'll just point to the most expensive thing I can find. It has to be good, right?

Oh, crap. You mean I ordered the duck? I hate duck! I've never tried it, but I really like ducks and can't imagine eating one. Guess I'll just have to push things around on my plate with my fork. Oh, hey, can I have a bite of your steak? And by bite, I mean most of what's on your plate. It's just so good!

After dinner is over, we'll both order desserts. As soon as they arrive, I'll remember that I'm on a diet and can't eat any of mine. About this time, we should exchange presents. I'll go first. I can't wait to see you grind your teeth when you discover that I spent exactly zero dollars! I'm so thrifty!

Then, you'll give me my present(s). It doesn't matter what you actually got me, because it won't be what I really wanted. Sure, I hinted about the Coach purse/Movado watch/gold and diamond necklace, but what I was really hoping for was an engagement ring. You'll realize this as soon as I start crying at the table and making a scene.

The entire way home, I'll berate you for not committing to me and our lackluster relationship. I'll tell you that the timing was perfect and I really thought you were going to propose, all while crying hysterically. I may even call my mother, right in front of you, and tell her that you didn't pop the question. After we've discussed what a shitty boyfriend you are for a few minutes, I'll hang up and sit in silence until you take me home.

Oh, were you still expecting to get laid tonight? Maybe cash in on your blow job coupon? I'm sorry to tell you that's out of the question. I'm too hurt by your selfish behavior. Instead, why don't you just go home and think about all of the money that you spent?

Don't worry, though. Tomorrow everything will be okay, and I can concentrate on pulling a similar stunt on my birthday. It's coming up in a couple of months, you know! I can't wait!