Based on yesterday's turd-tastic performance by the Cleveland Browns (seriously, I've seen more energy and drive in my 90 year old grandmother) it seems that now is the perfect opportunity to submit my resume in hopes of being considered by the Cleveland Browns. Below is my cover letter. I hope it's a real attention-getter!

(Note to whom it may concern: The following insults towards the Cleveland Browns does not include Shaun Rogers, whom actually looks like he gives a damn.)

November 24, 2008
Phil Savage and/or Romeo Crennel
Cleveland Browns
Cleveland, OH
 

Dear Cleveland Browns Organization,

My name is Joe Baur and I am a senior at Miami University where I am majoring in Mass Communication with a minor in Film Studies and I am interested in putting the pads back on for the first time since my freshman year of high school, and offering my services to the Cleveland Browns. A head-hunter, perhaps.

Though I haven't played any college football (nor any sport at the varsity level in college), I feel I can provide the motivation and drive this team needs. But since a rotting corpse would look more alive than the players did yesterday, I'll move on to some other qualifications. I work as hard as I am paid. Writing for OTR, I haven't missed a single day (thus far...) and while I appreciate the pay, it isn't the millions that players like, oh I don't know, Braylon Edwards, is receiving. Pay me what you're paying him, and I guarantee you I'll run a route like I have hot coals up my ass. None of this plant, turn, drop the ball and look up at the sky with a look of contemplation like some novelist looking through a window on a rainy day. No sir, not me! I promise you to give you 110% every down I am so privileged to play with the Cleveland Browns. Because your organization has a long and proud history, from the players to the fans, and your organization deserves a player that doesn't look like he'd rather catch a flight to Maui than embrace the blistering cold of Cleveland in November.

I hope you have found this letter to be informative and solid evidence that I am ready to take on this exciting position. If possible, I would like to schedule an interview or a phone follow-up at your convenience, so that I can answer any questions you might have about me. Again, I thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope to hear from you soon, at least before the next game, lest we put another team on the field that would rather count their millions in their mansions than play football on Sunday. 

Sincerely,
Joe Baur
Oxford, OH 45056