1. They're Your Happy Ex

You got dumped a few months ago. She just didn’t feel like you guys were connecting. Well guess what? Well, she sure is connecting now, specifically with the captain of the rugby team. How much longer are you really going to stare at her photos where she’s getting felt-up by that puka-shell necklace wearing douche on the team retreat? Delete that hoe and never look back.

2. They Brag

You know, that guy. Todd has written a new note: “Hey guys, just wanted to let everyone know that life is totally kicking ass. My ibanking job in Manhattan is totally the shit. They actually are getting me a car as a signing bonus. Do you guys think I should go for the Audi A8 or the BMW M3?” Todd, no one cares. We didn’t like you when you were in school and if I ever see your BMW on the street I’m going to put my foot through its windshield.

3. They Stalk You

Ladies, this probably applies more to you. Some rando adds you and you accept just because you’re either overly nice or enjoy attention. But then he starts sending…messages. “Hey, ur lookin pretty hot. where do u live hun?” And God forbid you’ve ever responded to him. He’ll pretend like you’ve been dating for four years the moment you stop answering him. “Babe? WTF where are u? I haven’t heard back about ur chem test. ****ING ANSWER ME.” Delete.

4. They're...Who?

Who is this person? Usually of the same sex, they go to your school, yet you have no friends in common. Searching through their pictures they look like a perfectly normal person, but you recognize zero familiar faces in any of the shots. You have no classes together, you’re not in any of the same groups, but somehow, there they are, on your friends list. Delete unless you’re bound and determined to solve the mystery.

5. They Spam You

Darrell has invited you to ZOMBIE KILLER. Darrell wants you to become a KNIGHT OF THE ORDER. Darrell has challenged you to a STAR WARS TRIVIA SHOWDOWN. Darrell wants you to join 1,000,000 STRONG FOR CHEESE. Darrell, I love you, but I swear to God, if you keep sending me this stuff I’m going to invite you to MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

6. They're NSFW

This is either the girl whose picture is just a shot of her massive cleavage or the guy who’s naked in a bathroom with the picture cropped a half inch before the danger zone. Sure, they may be hot, but the temptation to look at their profile during an inopportune time might literally get you in trouble. Either delete them or report them as violating Facebook’s terms of service, which is proved to be the best way to successfully kill an attention whore.

7. They Have a Generic Name

I know four Michael Smiths, but I don’t give a shit about three of them. When I’m looking for my best buddy Mike in the search bar, I don’t want to have to remember what his 4 pixel thumbnail picture looks like. Sorry other Mikes, you’re gone. Try having less boring names in your next life.

8. They're Dead Weight

This is the person who has never updated their profile since they first made it when all their friends bitched at them until they did. Their profile is four lines of text with their name, DOB, school and gender, like they’re being interrogated as a POW. They never respond to any sent messages and most likely they’ve just deactivated their wall entirely. You’re useless, either get with the 21st century or get off my friends list.

9. They're Emo

Zack is “wishing the sun would shine again.” Zack is “thinking that everyone on earth sucks.” Zack is “wondering how the hell he’s going to make it through.” Well I am “hoping that Zack starts taking anti-depressants because he’s ruins my day every time I see his damn status.” Either cheer up or you’re gone Zack.

10. They Think They're on MySpace

Their profile is jam packed with every single application under the sun. They have glitter text, superlatives, Lindsey Lohan status, and more bumper stickers than actual friends. If you want to make a gaudy social networking profile, they invented MySpace for that very reason. I don’t want to be visually assaulted every time I click on your name. Either de-junk it or you’re history.

11. Their Profile Picture is Their New Baby

I believe your time to be on Facebook has come and gone my friend.