This post definitely contains spoilers.

If this movie didn’t have such a ridiculous attachment to the date Friday the 13th, it could have had several different names. Wait a second—why is it called Friday the 13th? This movie took place on two separate dates in the summer, so it is literally impossible for both of the days to have been on a Friday, on the 13th day of the month. My point is that the title is not that fitting for the movie. 

It should have been called, Abercrombie Models Get Slaughtered. Or, Kids Have Sex, Smoke Weed and Die. Or last but not least, This Guy Is the Strongest, Fastest, Sneakiest Guy on Earth. I really feel like the days of horror films has come to an end. Sure there was the decency of the Saw movies, but what happened to movies like Psycho, The Shining and Rosemary’s Baby? If the golden age of horror wasn’t ruined yet, this installation of Friday the 13th definitely ruined it. What a freaking joke this movie was. In the beginning there’s five kids camping out on a journey to steal weed plants. They start getting chopped down like f*cking trees and you ask yourself, “How long is this movie going to be?” Then when the last girl is about to get killed the screen goes black and finally we’re told what movie is playing—Friday the 13th. Six weeks later we’re introduced six, affluent Abercrombie models (at least they might as well have been) who are partying it up in this nice lake house in the middle of nowhere. And there’s this other guy who is looking for his sister, who was in the first group six weeks earlier. These are the main characters—the ones who are about to get totally F’ed up by this superman Jason. Fifteen minutes later a girl (played by Willa Ford):

...is wakeboarding topless, and she’s so damn good at it. She spends half her time posing for Playboy, and the other half she practices wakeboarding. Everything is going naked and good when the driver of the boat gets an arrow through the head! Apparently Jason won a gold medal for f*cking archery. The naked wakeboarding girl then watches the boat come full speed at her until it smashes her in the face. This doesn’t kill her. What kills her is a machete through the top of her head. Jason loves machetes to the face and sharp objects through the chest. Seriously, this movie couldn’t have been any dumber. This 6’5”, 250 pound guy somehow manages to outrun young kids, shoot arrows with perfect aim, and sneak up on people without making a single noise. Jason also teleports throughout the whole movie.

Between an Asian guy drinking beer out of his shoe, a girl filming a guy’s face while they’re having sex, and a Black guy on the brink of masturbation proclaiming, “I’m about to ruin your perfect day,” Friday the 13th was just shit piled on top of other shit. In the end, the two survivors kill Jason and dump him into the lake. Wait, why the f*ck did they do that? Why wouldn’t you call the cops and let them deal with this superhuman? Why wouldn’t you just run away from the guy who just slaughtered like ten people? Obviously, Jason is not dead and he breaks through dock and grabs the girl and then the movie ends. What a waste of 97 minutes. What a joke. Maybe don’t ever think about watching this movie.