As your return to campus looms, there are items which definitely must be obtained, most of which are too boring to enumerate. These mundane things (collapsible hampers, desk lamps, toothbrush covers) should be procured by your mother or someone else who actually enjoys Bed Bath & Beyond. You, however, must focus on the insane, debauched, decadent, unnecessary, lovely things which put the “art” in “party” and cures for the morning after.

The basics: Towels for sealing doors, SOLO cups for any number of silly drinking games, ping pong balls for the ever popular Beirut, shot glasses for (come on people!) shots, extra sheets for toga parties, brimmed hats or caps for use while talking to campus po, paper towels and Windex for next day cleanup, condoms and or any prophylactic besides dental dams (a probable source of choking fatalities), aspirin and Gatorade for the day after

The accessories: the previously mentioned Octabong (the best vehicle for socialist binge drinking on the market), the Carmen Electra Professional Pole Kit for a good old icebreaker, a blacklight for if you have a roommate and a sense of excessive hygiene, the iHome for easy party playlist playing
 

Ready... break!