Have what it takes?

So I believe that rush is starting sometime relatively soon, so I thought it might be a good time to publish this article for all the freshmen wanting to know how to get into a "top-tier" sorority. I've compiled tips for the top five houses on last year's "The List" (which is going to be rewritten soon, my network of spies back in MI are doing their homework as we speak). In "ranking" order, here they are:

Alpha Phi

How to Look: Just be hot. With makeup is required, without makeup is preferred. Stylish, but not overly Prada-ed out to give the air that you don’t really care what you look like. But you do, a lot.
How to Act: Be nice, act like every other house was just OK. Throw it out that you’re considering Tri Delt and they’ll snatch you right up.
Who You Were in High School: Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, Miss Oakland County. Pretty much anything that’s required wearing a sash.

Tri Delt

How to Look: Hot, or tall, or blonde, or have huge boobs. You need at LEAST two to be considered, three is preferable, all four and you must be visiting from MSU.
How to Act: Be excited, like really ****ing excited to be there. Say that all the other houses were sooo stuck up, and that you really feel like you fit here because you girls are totally nice.
Who You Were in High School: Captain of the cheerleading squad, dated captain of the baseball team, football team, or basketball team, or all of the above. Probably all of the above, probably overlapping.

Kappa

How to Look: Attractive, preferably brunette, decked out in at least $500 worth of clothes and $500 worth of accessories. This is called the “1K” rule.
How to Act: Like you’re too good to be there, and like you were too good for all the other houses. They’ll love it. Ask about where they got whatever it is they're wearing. Talk about it for the next hour.
Who You Were in High School: The extremely popular girl who drove to class in a Mercedes or Volvo, didn’t join any clubs or play any sports, spent most of their time at the mall.

Sigma Kappa

How to Look: Down-to-earth cute, not overdone. A nice handbag but you don’t need to go all out.
How to Act: Bring your own flask because “rush is so lame.” Alright, that might not actually work. But showing up drunk probably would be more celebrated than frowned upon.
Who You Were in High School: The “BFF” of the hottest girl in school, or on Homecoming Court, but never actually wore a crown. The gossip queen who knew everyone and everything.

Theta

How to Look: Brunette curly/wavy hair in a side-ponytail, black stretch pants, boy’s white T, bug-eye glasses, Uggs, long brown padded Northface (doesn’t matter how warm it is). You need ever single piece of this outfit to be considered. Do NOT miss anything, this dress code is rigidly enforced.
How to Act: Like Theta is the only sorority that exists in the world. But you can rip on SDT and DPhiE and talk about some cute AEPi boys you met during welcome week.
Who You Were in High School: You’re either from West Bloomfield or Long Island, drove something shiny and foreign, traveled around in a flock with girls who look exactly like you.

Look for my "How to Get a Bid at a Top Five Fraternity" coming atcha tomorrow.