In case you’ve graduated from college but have been sitting on your ass for the past several months or are one of those freaks that may be over-or-underachieving by graduating in December, we’ve got a book for you, since congratulations, you've just graduated into that employment blackhole referred to as a recession and can look forward to getting the most undesirable jobs in the market as employment newbies. The book is called How to Be Useful: A Beginner’s Guide to Not Hating Work and is as good as they come in that generally nauseating genre, the self-help book. Don’t believe me? Here’s a rundown of some of the topics covered in the book:

Why “just being yourself” is a terrible idea

How to be smart, but not too smart

When not to be good at your job

How to screw up with grace and dignity

Why shoes matter

The right and wrong ways to talk trash about yourself

How not to be good at your job

This Megan Hustad character who wrote the book has obviously had a job, since everyone who’s ever been employed postgrad knows that it’s important to have a sense of humor if you’re gonna be embroiled in the 9 to 5 , 10 to 6, or 8 to God-knows-when doldrums for the rest of your life. This may involve Photoshop, nicknames, imagining officemates in a confession booth with a priest, punching co-workers, etc., etc., etc. I would highly recommend punching people, as it’s the best way to make your peers love and respect you like an ancient Grecian dictator.

Admittedly, I haven’t actually read this book, but I kind of want it to take away my self-help book virginity, so that I can learn to screw up with grace and dignity, rather than my usual screwing up with awkwardness and infamy.