I thought this was an Onion article when I first read it but nope, Joe Francis (Girls Gone Wild) and Larry Flynt (Hustler) are asking the government for a $5 BILLION dollar bailout claiming that the porn industry has been hit hard by the economic downturn. Hardcore DVD sales have slipped 22% since a year ago. Flynt elaborates:

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt says. "It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America."

It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America? Look, I know Larry Flint is one shady bastard, but I didn't think he was an idiot. What percent chance do you think the porn industry has of getting a $5B bailout from Congress? .01%? .001? .0000001? Yeah I'd say something like that. Or if you're mathematically allowed to do negative percentages.

And just in case Larry Flynt wasn't convincing enough, we have America's douchebag-in-chief Joe Franics:

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration."

Seeing Flynt and Francis go to Congress to present their case for this bailout would probably mark  the only time I would voluntarily tune into CSPAN for something. Please let this happen.

And yes, that is Jenna Haze with McLovin up above. And below is the greatest moment of his life: