Love Fun? Hate Drinking? "UMix" is Supposedly for You

Because this comes up in a Google Image search for "wholesome."

I’m not exactly sure how to go about commenting on this article from the Daily. Apparently this organization on campus called UMix throws parties at the Union for kids who listened during D.A.R.E. extremely well and turn their noses up at anyone who didn't.

So what does UMix do exactly? Let’s paint a picture:

On the Friday night before the Michigan-Michigan State football game three weeks ago, thousands of students wandered from bar to bar and party to party, enjoying the start of the weekend.

Meanwhile, a group of about 500 students was partying in the Michigan Union at a get-together sponsored by the University. In the place of alcohol, there was a movie, free food and karaoke.

There are also “craft activities” and board games. Hooray summer camp! Apparently this program has been running for three years at Michigan, but honestly this is the first I’ve heard of it. So who goes to these events and why?

While painting a pumpkin and watching other her peers belt out the words to the Backstreet Boys’ "I Want It That Way," Kinesiology junior Kara Miller expressed that sentiment.

"I don't drink, so there's not a ton to do at night other than like hang out with friends or watch a movie, so it's just something else," she said.

Yeah, hanging out with friends and watching movies totally sucks. Which is why I’m walking to the Union by myself to watch a movie instead. And you know what else has karaoke? Bars. And you know what else has games? Parties. Just make your friends drink your beer when you lose, I'm sure they'll find it in their hearts to forgive you. You know they don’t like pour alcohol directly down your throat when you walk into these places right? And also, drunkeness isn't transmitted through airborne pathogens.

Alright, well I do have to restrain myself a bit here and give a tip of the hat to the administration for attempting a non-dickish way to decrease binge drinking on campus that doesn't involve police kicking doors in. But someone needs to teach these kids the “walk around party holding half full cup” trick, which successfully makes everyone think you’re drinking. It’s the sneaky way to be lame!

Just kidding, not drinking is fine if that's your thing, but look, you can still go out to parties with your sodomite alcoholic friends. UMix, keep doing your thing for those who need it, but freshmen, I know college is a big scary place, but you’ve got to graduate from this kind of stuff eventually, or you’ll wind up missing the whole experience.