American Gladiators is, without a doubt, a man’s man show. It may have female gladiators and contestants in it, but they’re only there to give the male populace—at least, the guys who enjoy women who can pummel them to a bloody pulp—something to gawk at from time to time.

However, don’t confuse the classic series with the abysmal remake. The new show, hosted by Hulk Hogan and Layla Ali, pales in comparison to the campy, unintentionally hilarious original. Sure, it has infinitely hotter women who are thin and sport eight-pack abs, but it relies too heavily on cringe-worthy gimmicks (handicapped contestants, seriously?!) and lame scripted events.

Screw that; the original is and forever will be the best. It has eye candy, in the form of Sunny and Lace; it has men, whose bodies are, more or less, one giant muscle, pounding away on shrimps. It has the cheesiness without any of the tired WWE-inspired gimmicks.

We all wanted to be on the show when they were younger. We wanted to be Nitro. We wanted to have Malibu’s gravity-defying hair-- at least, I know I did.

Sadly, we never did, but you can still find out what your gladiator name would have been with the American Gladiator Name Generator.

I would've been Pulp... Lame.