Must-Read Not News Stories From FARK

-- Britney Spears will play a lesbian killer in Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming remake of the 1965 film Faster ****cat! Kill! Kill! Considering her riveting, Oscar-worthy performance in the 2002 film Crossroads, it’s no surprise the legendary director tapped her for the role.

-- Eleven people have been charged for stealing credit card information from over a million of shoppers that purchased goods from “TJX Companies, BJs Wholesale Club, OfficeMax, Boston Market, Barnes & Noble, Sports Authority, Forever 21, DSW” and pretty much every other major retailer in the country.

-- A man who stole a pickup truck was carjacked when he stopped at convenience store. After being forced to drive at gunpoint, the initial thief escaped the gunman and called the cops. Yes, he called the police to report that the car he stole had been stolen.

 -- Mange Ram, 19, was knocked into a short coma after hundreds of people stampeded off a mountain to avoid a rumored landslide. The police thought he was dead, so they transported him to a morgue. He woke up and asked for water just minutes before they cut him open for an autopsy.

-- Jenna Jameson, the legendary pornstar, is having a baby with Ultimate Fighting Champion, Tito Ortiz. Millions of skeevy perverts are undoubtedly hoping it’s a girl, so she can follow in her mother’s footsteps.