Now, I’m sure that many of you people reading this live in areas where people do not use Craigslist, so for those of you out of the loop I'll bring you up to speed.

According to their website Craigslist is: "Local community classifieds and forums - a place to find jobs, housing, goods & services, social activities, a girlfriend or boyfriend, advice, community information, and just about anything else -- all for free, and in a relatively non-commercial environment."

It's pretty much one stop shopping for anything that you could want, available in most metropolitan areas. If you want to get a new apartment, futon, or Asian bride, you come here. And while they don’t sell black market goods, I’m pretty sure you could meet some people there who are in the know. For the most part, it can be a very useful tool.

It is not, however, a good place to make romantic encounters. Why is this? Because the people who use this for romance are damaged goods who don't really know how to interact in society. It's essentially twits who are too awkward to meet people, so have decided to come up with a paragraph, and maybe even a picture.

This is also true for the men for men, or women for women ads, but even more so. Do you know what you will find when you look at the pictures of a women for women listing? Vaginas. Assorted vaginas.

Anyway, lets get started with the roasting:

1. "About me: I love music"

Holy shit, really? Music, huh? Could you please be a little more vague? What kind? A lot of them will specify with anything really. This answer is pure, straight-from-the-tap bullshit. Anything, huh? What about Christian Rock? No? I thought you said anything. How about Brazilian Pop? Oh, you don’t hear much of that. Okay. Show tunes? Why doesn’t that count? How about Country? No, not Classic Country? I know, I know, you cant get enough of Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. Not their recent stuff, mind you. But their great 60s and 70s hits. How about their modern equivalent of Toby Keith? No? How about the shit they play on the radio? Okay, that’s what you like. You like Top 40, that’s okay. That’s what most people like, so just come out and say it.

Note: Hipsters will give you a list of things they like. A popular choice is 80s Michael Jackson. However, they will claim to hate Usher and other modern incarnation of his style. They will say its too popular and overplayed. As if Thriller isn’t the biggest selling album of all time. These people are not intelligent. Avoid them; they will just piss you off.

2. "About me: I like just chillin out?"

Again, could you please give me a little more? What is chillin out, or hangin out, or kickin it? Is there one proper way to kick it? Is it somehow different from hanging out? What does this mean? Is it watching the Price is right? Ripping bong hits into your dogs face? Trollin for booty in your El Camino? How about sitting on the porch cracking about whitey? Its filler talk to somehow make you sound relaxed.

3. "I’m looking for somebody who can make me laugh"

Again, this is total crap. You want knock-knock jokes? I’ve got jokes. Humor gets real old real quick. This is why Brad Pitt will always beat out Jerry Seinfeld in the getting laid department. What they really want is a guy who their friends think is hot, and then when the two of them are alone makes a quip about some of her envious friends. What they don’t realize is that none of us want to do that.

4. "I’m looking for my new partner in crime"

Dumbass.

5. "No pic, no reply"

This one doesn’t piss me off in itself. It’s actually the one honest thing I hear on the site. It only pisses me off when the person who posted it has a picture of a cat yawning in a windowsill. Hey, whiskers, unless you are the world’s first cat capable of intelligent (comparatively) communication, you have not given me a picture yourself. Who are you to judge when you don’t even send out something for us to look at.

6. "BBW"

Fat. Too big to call herself "curvy," or "full figured." This is another of the acronyms on the Internet. Its supposed to mean, Big, Beautiful Woman. However, not every person who is fat is beautiful. I know that nobody really wants to refer to themselves as fugly, but stop telling me that you’re beautiful. Big will suffice. And I’m not being mean. There is nothing wrong in being a large person. Its not healthy, but we live in a nation of obese people and I don’t see why there shouldn’t be somebody out there for you. I know a lot of people have fetishes about big women, so I’m not saying that you cant find love. By the way, I wouldn’t take this as the compliment that you do. Typically, there is something wrong with these people. Not in that they want you, but there is always something a little slimy about them and I’m not sure if Id be as willing to associate with these people. But don’t go around telling me that you are beautiful. I'll be the judge of that. You’re just leaving the door wide open for a fat joke. Just spare me this acronym. It's not nearly as clever or sassy as you think it is. Which reminds me...

7. "SWF ISO SBM 4 NSA, maybe a little GFE, well see how it goes. About
me: I’m a 25 AIB who really likes it when a girl knows how to LEI, ENQ, or
NMORX. I used to be into KIEN, GGI and maybe a little Nixon on the
Tiltawhirl, but now I’m YYO 4 sho. Okay, I guess that was corny. Drop me
a line if you want to TTQI4 IEN, DIN..3IN(I* ADKN,
EIEETNANNCIXLONHAIUND, OSIKSHGNEHNCAND
AHDINVIEUN,
001
000101010010101010010100101010010101010110101010010101010
010101001010101001010101010010101010100110101001010101001
010101010101010010101010010101010010101010101010101010101
010210010101010100101010101010101010101001010101010101010
101010101010101010101010101010100001001010111011011111111
010101111010110111010101010101010101010101010101010101010
1010101010101111111101101010010101010011010010.
Hope to hear from you :P"

This is it.

This is how society breaks down. Its not the government or drugs. It's constant abbreviation, and it's happening. Christ, Al Gore needs to speak up about this. Nothing means anything anymore. When I try to correct somebody on his or her use of grammar (No, mine isn’t perfect, but I don’t get pissed when you tell me its off) I get greeted with a nice, Whatever. You know what I’m talking about. So? I thought maybe you’d like to avoid looking stupid in the future. Honestly, why do we even bother having proper spelling or grammar? We all know what were talking about. And then from there we can get rid of words all together. Well all grunt like animals. When a dog growls at me I have a rough idea of what he means. It’ll just be so much less confusing and irritating anyway.

8. "Looks really aren’t that important to me"

This is always followed by, No Pic, No Reply. Why? If they aren’t important to you why do you need to see them? What are you saying? Just admit that you are looking for a piece of ass. You wont hurt anybody’s feelings trust me. Of course you cant do that. You’d appear to be shallow. Better to put up a half-baked front that everybody with an IQ of 40 can see right through.

9. "Are there any normal guys out there?"

That’s it. Everybody else is crazy. You’re the normal one in this world of savages and inbred morons. That or maybe you’re just bitter that you didn’t really know what the hell it is that you want and your not getting any people who meet these mysterious criteria. Short of a shape-shifter, you’re not going to find somebody if the perfect guy changes with your mood. Nope, nope, they’re all crazy because they’re looking for easy sex. You meanwhile are looking for a life changing relationship where people buy and sell used wheelbarrows. It’s all of them.

10. "Okay, here’s the deal..."

Oh god, I can just tell that this is going to be stupid.

11. "...What were going to do is, well go out together just like were a real couple, all the typical boyfriend/girlfriend stuff..."

Here it comes.

12. "...But what well really be doing is checking out other people and trying to give each other advice on how to pursue it."

Okay, lady, STOP WATCHING CHICK FLICKS AND TURN OFF GREYS ANATOMY, NOW. THOSE PREMISES ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY, AND NO GUY WANTS TO TRY TO REINACT THEM.

Folks this was a real ad. It sounds like some stupid premise of a chick flick.

And I already know that she’s having some fantasy that shell meet a great guy under the premise that they’ll never hook up, pine for him for a couple of days, and they’ll end up happily ever after. Goddamn it, I shouldn’t have to tell them it’s just a movie. People are always worried about kids playing video games and then getting violent, but then they’re content to let reruns of Friends dictate their romantic life. No were not going to play Ross and Rachael. I know, you want me to be the sniveling loser while you get to be the quirky but cool girlfriend with self-respect. It’s not happening. Not even in some bedroom fantasy game you’ve got cooking up.

13. "I never do this."

Yes, you do.

Okay, I could go on and on but this rant is getting a little long. Maybe I'll do an updated version later on, but you get the point. In fact, I’m not even going to come up with some clever ending.