For like the last twenty-five years we’ve been hearing all about Oprah and her big, fat struggle not to be big and fat. Now she’s on the cover of O magazine with the huge headline: “How did I let this happen again?” and “this” refers to being a fatass.

Let it just be said that indeed, Oprah is a fatass. This is no matter of opinion. She admits to weighing 200 lbs. and having a body mass index of 31.8, which does indeed, make her OBESE according to the CDCP. I’m not just being mean; if the CDCP says it, it must be true. And since she insists upon brandishing her fat self on the cover of her magazine as part of her branding to make women forget that she’s not “just like them” but actually filthy rich, I will insist upon calling her what she is: an obese woman!

I’m sorry, but I just can’t sympathize with Oprah on this one. The woman is worth $2.5 billion! She could hire vegan chefs! Get five gastric-bypass surgeries! Take yoga class for five hours a day with Madonna! Pay to use Madonna as a human-shaped barbell! At this point, if Oprah’s gained weight, I’ve got to say that it’s absolutely, 100% her fault that’s she’s a fatass. And her discipline is weak as one of those limp noodles (which she can evidently eat a lot of) then I’ll hustle myself over to her place and smack her upside her fat head every time she reaches for a cookie, for the mere price of $25 per hour.

Okay, Oprah? Have we got a deal? Now stop standing around on magazine covers and get jogging!