It’s been a big year for Paris Hilton between appearing in an election Funny or Die video, finding her new BFF, and being sued for not promoting sorority film “Pledge This!” enough. And apparently she learned a lot, which is why she provided Esquire with some crackrocks of advice for an article called “Paris Hilton: What I’ve Learned.”

There were some peculiar statements, such as the ultimate Freudian slip, “The best thing I've ever bought with money is my house.” Then there were also simply strange topical leaps a la “I put pheromones in a lot of my fragrances, and that attracts people to you. My new fragrance is called Fairy Dust. I'm dressed kind of like Tinkerbell.” Best of all however, was Hilton’s self description. Perhaps interpreting Delphi a bit too literally, she told Esquire, “I’m one of the most down to earth people I know,” then proceeded to completely contradict herself with statements such as:

Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it's what I knew I wanted to do--be a blond icon.

 

Once I've worn a dress, I can never wear it again.

 

Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don't need to go out.

In honor of the most down to earth person that Paris Hilton knows, please buy disposable things, throw a party, and listen to Marilyn Monroe tonight. Just don’t get arrested for DUI, because you probably won’t be able to get the leniency of house arrest like some down to earth people Paris Hilton knows.