In this week’s edition of “Ask the Sexpert,” a sleep-deprived Princeton undergraduate wrote in to the Daily Princetonian to find out how to best handle a suitemate who has an exorbitant amount of loud sex – all day, every day.

For a studious, conservative and/or sex-deprived individual, living with a “screamer” presents quite the eardrum-busting dilemma, especially if the nymphomaniac in question is completely oblivious to the potency of their own vocal cords.

Sadly, those out there suffering from this issue and hoping to receive innovative advice from Princeton’s “sexpert” will be sorely disappointed, as the self-proclaimed sex guru offers little more than the obvious.

The Sexpert’s response:

There are three rights everyone should have in his or her room - to sleep, to study, and to have fun - in that order. This means that you sleeping and being comfortable in your room is of great importance. It's going to be really hard talking to your roommate, but if you continue to avoid the topic, you'll come to resent her. Sit down with her, or get the whole room together to talk about your collective living standards, and say that you'd like the room to be quiet when you're sleeping and at certain hours of the day. You can try to talk about noise in general terms, but she might not understand, so it's really best to be straightforward. If you feel comfortable being somewhat flexible, suggest hours that you'd like to be in the room to study, and choose other hours to study outside of the room, or give her the hours you're at extracurricular activities as fair game. You can ask your RCA for advice on approaching her. Finally, see if your suitemate's partner has a living situation that's more conducive to them having sex at odd hours and encourage them to occasionally spend time there instead. Earplugs might block out some of the noise, but my guess is that she doesn't mean to disturb you, and you should be comfortable!

While the advice is perfectly sound, it’s not particularly groundbreaking.

Here’s what they should have said:

Dear Sleep-Deprived Suitemate,

Whatever you do – do not talk to your suitemate about her operatic performance! Instead, phone the campus police and anonymously report that you think someone is being murdered in the room next to you. If she doesn’t stop doing it from the resulting public embarrassment, she never will. And so, you should consider vacating the suite – or installing a web camera in her room so that the rest of the student body can enjoy the sexcapades. Then, when you're expelled, you won't have to deal with it anymore. Win - Win - Win.

Short, concise and effective.