If you’ve just glanced at your calendar and have been sounding like a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome for the past hour, we understand. It’s the “Shit, ****, damn,” heard round the world every damn February. It’s the sound of male anxiety bouncing through the corridors of hopelessness. It’s the realization that no matter how good of a guy you are, you are probably kind of screwed. It’s what happens every time Valentine’s Day comes around.

Blame the corporate greeting card pigs all you want. Hell, I sure do. But, it’s not entirely their faults. The emotional neediness that thrives on forced displays of affection is much older than birthday cards. And so is the inevitable disappointment that arises when you fall flat on your face trying to half ass giving a shit about stuffed animals, candlelit dinners, bouquets of flowers, heart-shaped things, doilies,  pink stuff, red stuff, chocolate, perfume, cupids, Celine Dion songs, and/or jewelry.

Seriously, WTF!? If a couple likes each other so freaking much, why do they need to express it with dim lighting, paper hearts, and shiny things? Why? Why? Why? It really sucks, but it’s the kind of thing that really sucks and must be accepted. Just like we hate taxes, brushing our teeth twice per day, and paying for stamps, it is a necessary evil if you want to have any hope for not dying alone. And for most of us, the whole dying alone thing is a hair more terrifying than dealing with February 14^th, though not by much.

So, if you’ve decided to try to do it up right this Valentine’s Day, you must remember this: you can not really go over the top. No matter how many times a girl says she doesn’t really care that much about greeting card holidays or isn’t that into V-Day, she inevitably is lying to some degree. And pretty much no matter what, you can’t do too much. There is no teddy bear too large, no bouquet too stuffed with roses, no necklace too shiny, no card to filled with swirly-lettered expressions of cliché love.

This year Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, which means double the pressure of the normally loaded holiday. What this means is you aren’t going to get away with begrudgingly watching The Notebook over a bowl of fettucine alfredo. Weekend Valentine’s Day just means more hours that you have to fake it till you make it. But it’s just that kind of year: severe economic recession, the ongoing Iraq problem, Saturday Valentine’s Day. 2009, you really suck.