“Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.”
                                                              -Walter Sobchak

The most annoying part of going to a party and getting everybody to play a drinking game is settling out the rules. This is because everybody has their own set of them, and if you don’t get these established well in advance there is going to be an incident where somebody calls bullshit and then tries to give your house an upperdecker. So keeping in mind all the various rules I’m going to try to settle the issue here and now, for all times. And no, I have no idea what to do about the hot girl who forgets it’s her turn for about 7 minutes. It’s up to you. How hot is she?

Ass  hole:

I have to word it like that to get around the censors so just bear with me on this one. I’m going to start out with ass hole because this one seems to vary from zip code to zip code, and you could probably spend 20 minutes retelling the rules to drunks.

Throwing Doubles on Singles: No. Of course not. Who does that?

Throw in Socials: Yes. Socials are cool. It speeds the game up. If you can’t pay attention to what’s going on, it’s your problem.

2’s?: 2’s clear.

3’s?: 3’s skip the next guy and freeze the board. Only another 3 can be thrown which clears the board. No you can’t resume the social. You see that top card? It’s a 3 not whatever you’ve got. And a social of 3’s is just retarded. Learn how to play.

President/Vice President: President exchanges his worst card for the ass' best card, unless there are 6 or more players in which case he gets his best two cards. Vice President gets the best card from Vice Ass if there are six or more. You don’t get anything for being the second best of four, loser.

Ass: Ass clears the table and deals the cards. And drinks pretty much whenever anybody feels like it. He does not get mystical powers while dealing where he cannot be ordered to drink. He’s the ass, if he wants to stop getting hassled he’ll make something of himself on the next hand.

Vice Ass = Beer Bitch: Get the beer. No it’s not up to the ass. He’s busy dealing and clearing the table. GO BEER BITCH!

Drink When You Get Skipped: Just drink you pansy. It’s beer, not a death sentence.

President Gets to Make a Rule: After 6 times as president. Not 3. Anybody can make it three times when you get the ass' cards and make everybody in the tri state area drink for having untied shoelaces. Six is a legacy.

Foosball:
 

Two from Downtown: Goalie Goals are two.

No Spinning: This is a game of skill, not luck.

Beer Pong:

First of all it’s Beer Pong, not Beirut.

One Re-Rack Per: First of all, let me say that they’re shouldn’t be any Re-Racks at all, so you’re lucky you get this one. If you keep taking easy middle of the cup shots, you should be forced to shoot out the sides as well. It’s about your grouping. But that’s too hard for some people so we’re doing it this way. Anyway, you get one, I’d suggest after you’ve sank three. And no, you can’t do it in the middle of a turn.

Bounce Shot is Good for Two: Again, if it were up to me there would be only bounce shots. But this is the rule and I’ll go with it. You can swat the bounce shots.

Blowjobs: Only girls get to blow the spinning ball out of a cup. Otherwise we get to call you a girl for trying it. And if we’re drunk enough throw a beer at you.

Leaning: Don’t lean over the table. And you, on the other side, stop bitching about him having long arms and worry about the six cups you’ve missed 7 times in a row.

Army of One: This is my last bit on this. If there is a guy who’s signed up and his partner left in the 4 hours it takes to get a turn, that guy has the option of going solo. Look, this is bravado and that should be commended during drinking games, not banned. If that guy’s willing to take all the cups for his team, he doesn’t need to randomly get some lucky ass as a teammate who wasn’t even thinking about Beer Pong two minutes ago. And he certainly doesn’t lose his turn.

Yuker:

Yuker sucks. It’s just a bunch of dudes playing cards in the corner of the room. There’s always a group of these guys, and it starts with one guy talking about some Yuker tournament he went to. Then another guy starts shitting his pants and saying “YOU PLAY YUKER. I PLAY YUKER. LETS PLAY YUKER (AND PROBABLY END UP SPOONING LATER).

Darts:

Cricket: This is the dart game. Not 301. We’re playing Cricket. I don’t have time to explain the rules. Go learn them. It’s not hard.

Drawing on that passed out guy's face:

Is this technically a game? I don't know. It's a fun activity though. There's a loser (The breathing canvas over there) and many, many winners (Everybody else) so I'd say lets count it.

Of course there are rules to this as well.

Shoes: Is the guy wearing shoes? He is? Well let's make sure that guy is reminded of what a penis looks like. If not, then leave him alone. The rule was created as a way to prevent drunks from putting their shitty shoes up on the couch (I think. Or maybe people are just dicks, but I like to think there is an story behind this).

Socks: If you really want to get the guy you can call out a sock rule where anybody wearing socks can get written on as well. This is kind of sketchy and I suppose as long as you just whisper "Sock Rule" the thing goes into effect. You're sort of on the honor system with this one. As much honor as a guy who draws swastikas on a drunk girls face can have.

That’s all for now. I’m sure I’ve missed a few nuances in these games. I don’t care. Figure them out for yourselves, but you’ve got to admit, it’s a fairly reasonable start.