The Top 10 Lamest Onscreen Athletes

Everyone remembers when Rudy scored a touchdown or when Smalls hit a homerun over the fence, but what about the would-be sports heroes of cinema who just are flat out lame?

10. Ryan Dunne – Summer Catch

Freddy Prince Jr. always plays the douche jock in movies like this, but does anyone actually believe he’s good at sports? In Summer Catch he was hooking up with Jessica Biel before she got really hot while pretending like he was some superstar pitcher for this throwaway movie.  Does he make it the major leagues? Does anyone really care? All I know is the answer to that second question.

9. The Eden Hall Varsity Team – D3: The Mighty Ducks

In the second film in the classic Mighty Ducks trilogy, the Ducks were able to secure a number one spot in the world after beating the Ivan Drago-like Iceland team in the junior world championship. Therefore, the premise that they couldn’t beat the year-older-than-them random ass varsity team at their school was a bit of stretch. The team was a bunch of faceless jocks who inexplicably pounded the Ducks like it was the Red Wings playing a team of infants, until in the end they did what any good villain team does: lost.

8. Bobby Boucher Jr. – The Waterboy

Adam Sandler can play the psycho athlete well as demonstrated in Happy Gilmore, but in The Waterboy, he comes across as just plain retarded. It’s like if they made an entire movie about Forest Gump’s college football years only they replaced Tom Hanks with someone intensely more dislikeable. Oh, how about Adam Sandler? Okay!

7. Joe Cooper and Doug Remer – Baseketball

South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are geniuses. But that runs contradictory to the fact that they put their heads together to create one of the dumbest movies of all time: Baseketball. The two dumbasses created a sport that involved elements from basketball, baseball, and of course boobs, which turns into a craze that ends up sweeping the nation. In the movie it’s a sport for “losers” sure, but that doesn’t excuse it for being incredibly lame.

6. Juwanna Mann – Juwanna Mann

Sure, take a blatantly sexist principle and turn it into a movie. A guy sucks in the NBA so he decides to dress up in drag and play in the WUBA (yes, the WNBA wouldn’t even put their name on this atrocity).  He dances circles around the girls and can of course, dunk, a magical feat in the WNBA, errr WUBA. Whatever, this movie isn’t worth talking about for more than three sentences.

5. The Monstars – Space Jam

So wait a minute, you’re telling me that five aliens steal all the talent from five of the greatest basketball players  of 1996, and you STILL lose to a bunch of Looney Tunes? Please.  Space Jam might have been one of the greatest animated AND sports movies ever made, but the Monstars sucked a serious amount of ass if they can be beaten by Bugs Bunny and a Stretch Armstrong version of Michael Jordan.

4. Jackie Moon – Semi-Pro

There were plenty of Will Ferrell roles to choose from for this list, the goofus Ricky Bobby of Talledaga Nights, the ego-maniacal Chazz Michael Michaels from Blades of Glory and that dumb soccer coach from that movie no one saw, Kicking and Screaming. But the award has to go to Jackie Moon of the Flint Tropics in Semi-Pro which became the first Will Ferrell movie that literally everyone hated (besides Bewitched).  After that film he’s now actually vowed not to take any more athlete roles. Seriously.

3. Buddy  – Air Bud series

Look, alright, don’t get me wrong, I loved the original Air Bud. But when Buddy started being able to play every sport under the sun I got a bit annoyed. Sure there might not be a rule that a dog can’t play football, baseball, volleyball or soccer, but that doesn’t mean we need to see movies with subtitles like Golden Receiver, Seventh Inning Fetch, Spikes Back and World Pup.  What, he had puppies? Now there’s Air Buddies? Oh God help us.

2. Jonathan Cross – Rollerball

If you haven’t seen Rollerball, don’t. Ever. It is literally one of the worst movies ever made and Keanu Reeves Chris Kline as Jonathan, the rollerblading, dirt biking superstar of everyone’s favorite sport of the future, makes for one of the lamest “sports” movies ever, if you can call it that. Think Battlebots meets Thunderdome meets the X-Games meets dog shit. Emphasis on that last ingredient.

1. Troy Bolton – High School Musical series

God. Where to start? I’m not sure if you can be the coolest kid in school if you frequently enjoy breaking out in song and dribbling in dance formation with your basketball teammates.  Sure he gets to lightly peck Vanessa Hudgens on the lips at the end of the second movie, buuut Troy is played by Zac Efron and any man-points he earns go out the window right about the time he breaks out into an angsty dance by himself on a golf course.