Recession, so what? That’s apparently the attitude of UC Davis donors who contributed approximately $217 million worth of gifts, grants, pledges, etc. this year. Of course this is very generous, but it leads one to wonder, what would be the Best Donations to Give To a College Student?

1) The college fantasy is incomplete without a minibar which must include vodka, gin, bourbon, scotch, tequila, and rum.

2) Lighters—you can never get enough. No matter how careful a student is, inevitably, some act of kindness will result in the loss of one of those very important little guys.

3) In sex ed they always say the only safe sex is no sex. Well that’s true, but too bad. Most college students need sex like air, but unprotected sex is like licking a toxic waste dump, so condoms are pretty necessary.

4) Easy mac is the ultimate college food—as long you own a microwave.

5) At the end of the semester, every student needs as many energy drinks as possible to stay awake for finals.