If you’ve been hiding out with the Amish, in a coma, or somehow indisposed in another way, here’s an update: the economy sucks. Here’s another update, for people with no common sense: it’s gonna stay that way for a while.

The LA Times reports:

Two million jobs could be lost nationwide next year under the weight of a severe global recession that shows no sign of relenting soon, UCLA forecasters say.

 

"We see this as longer-lasting than most recessions," said Edward E. Leamer, director of the quarterly UCLA Anderson Forecast, which was released today. "The job market will remain weak."

The nation's unemployment rate will rise to 8.5% by late 2009 or early 2010, according to the forecast -- further straining a job market that matched a 34-year high last month by shedding 533,000 positions.

 

Undergirding the joblessness will be a continued decline in real estate values, diminishing wealth as a result of the stock market crash and weaker consumer spending.

 

The negative forces are predicted to help change the trend in the nation's real gross domestic product from a growth of 1.3% this year to a 1.6% contraction next year. In 2010, the authors say, there might be a turnaround.

So what does this mean? It means unless you’re Ivanka Trump you probably won’t be getting diamond earrings for Hanukah (remember, she’s a Jew now!), you probably will be eating a lot more shitty dollar menu fare, and you probably should consider doing things like get a library card. And don’t go blowing all your spending money on hookers, kiddies! You’ll never get that money back or get rid of HIV!