Generally, campus-wide security alerts are reserved for emergencies and/or dangers that can pose a threat to students. However, at UConn, that’s not the case – unless you consider a man walking near a woman and not saying anything to be a cause for alarm.

According to the University Alert Notification System, a 6’ 0” white male walked in close proximity to a woman sometime around 6:35 p.m. on Saturday. He neither said nor did anything before walking away from her, which police took to be a tall-tell sign of malicious intentions.

Who was this dastardly individual? Let’s hypothesize:

1. A Man Who Wanted a Date – Perhaps, this fellow was approaching her to ask her out on a date. He drudged up enough courage to get within a few feet of her, but then chickened out and walked away.
2. Someone Who Thought He Knew Her – It happens to everyone; you scan a crowd and think you recognize a familiar face. However, upon closer inspection, you discover that the person is a stranger, not your friend.
3. An Anthropologist Studying the Walking Habits of College Women – As an anthropologist, you can only observe the creatures you are studying; you cannot interfere with their daily regimen.
4. A Russian Spy – The Cold War may be over, but don’t think for one second that Mother Russia doesn’t have spies littered throughout the United States—watching, waiting.

Personally, my money is on the fourth option. Clearly, he was tailing her when she noticed him; he quickly aborted his mission, flew a plane back to Russia and was executed for failing to carry out his orders.

Case closed.