I want to preface this by saying that I do have a soul, and I did have a wonderful childhood. Moreover, I adore kid’s flicks and have a soft spot for Pixar: Ratatouille is one of my all-time favorite movies, and Toy Story was as essential to my childhood as old school Nickelodeon, flashlight tag, and Flavor Ice. However, Wall-E just didn’t cut it. The trailers made me skeptical, but the dozens of glowing recommendations I’ve gotten over the past couple weeks convinced me I had to see it. The New York Times loved it; trustworthy Pajeeba and Rotten Tomatoes gave it extremely high marks, and even an OTR reviewer called it the “best movie of the year.” Leaving the theater last night, I was devastated. I literally wanted to cry because I was so disappointed. Wall-E is not touching or inspiring, nor is it especially funny or cute. Disagree all you want, but think about it: Do you really recycle more now? Did you laugh out loud even one time? Can you think of a single moment from the film that will stay with you forever (or even until the end of the summer)?

Here are five key reasons why Wall-E is NOT the best movie of the year. [Warning: contains spoilers.]

5. Wall-E’s voice is f*ing annoying
After I first saw the trailer, I was dead set against seeing this movie. The way that little robot speaks makes me shudder in agony. Waaaaaall-eeeee. Eeeeee-vaaaa. By the middle of the film, I was ready to gouge out my eardrums with any available instrument (spoon, fork, or spork).

4. They got humans all wrong
I can completely buy into the idea of humans as obese and apathetic, but am I really supposed to believe that they are all wonderful as soon as they are unplugged? If I had spent my entire life floating around on a hover chair drinking cupcakes, I wouldn’t be thrilled and fascinated when someone turned off my video chat screen, I would be totally pissed. The humans regard robots as servants; getting unplugged and admiring strange little Wall-E gives them way too much credit.

3. The love stories are beyond absurd
If I am to believe this movie, holding hands is the key to immediate and long-lasting love. The two unplugged humans (Mary and John?) fall in love as soon as he accidentally touches her hand, and Eve starts to reciprocate Wall-E’s feelings during a little hand action. I’m a sucker for Disney films with equally silly love at first sight stories, but two enamored robots just isn’t cute. At a minimum, if you are going to emphasize their hand holding constantly, give them hands that actually fit together.

2. Do the robots have emotions, or are they just automatons?
You can’t have it both ways: Wall-E and Eve can either have a deep love connection, or they can just be mechanical beings. Eve starts to warm to Wall-E…and then goes into security mode when he gives her the plant. Wall-E finally gets to be with Eve…and a few replacement parts erase his memory. If you want to feature endearing hunks of metal with artificial intelligence, you have to really go for it – self-determination and directives are mutually exclusive.

1. The humans should have to work for redemption
After villainizing the human race for an hour and a half, the space ship touches down on Earth and suddenly everyone is walking around and growing pizza plants. Like with the robots, you have to go for it if you want to have a message about conservation and saving the planet. Wall-E would have the children sitting around me thinking that it’s okay to trash our world – we can chill in space and play virtual ping-pong until life is sustainable again. Sure, I wanted a happy ending, and I liked that they end up back on Earth, but the humans messed up – they should have to do a little bit of work to fix things. Wall-E doesn’t even get heroic credit for cleaning up skyscrapers worth of garbage.

Maybe my expectations were too high, but I have faith that something better will come along. This movie season has been pretty dismal (Don’t Mess with the Zohan? The Love Guru?), but I already have midnight tickets and high hopes for the Dark Knight.