As I go through the 12,398 photos on my computer because I obviously have nothing better to do…I began to notice a trend. At first I thought it was a fluke, and then I began to notice it in other photos people had. Quickly I started to put the pieces together, and before I knew it I had developed an all new conspiracy theory unmatched my any other one’s I manifested today. My theory? There are lots of drunken jacka$$es inadvertently caught on film.

Why are these donkeys consistently caught in the pixels? What draws them to make erratic poses and drunken hand gestures? How do they know JUST the right time for to leap into frame?

This, my friends, is my conspiracy’s basis:

1. These gentlemen (and ladies) have been around since the earliest capturing of the human image, ever since Ugh was forced to redo his cave painting because Oop decided to jump in the way of the buffalo and pull down his loin cloth. The Last Supper had to be done THREE TIMES because that stupid neighbor kid kept jumping behind Jesus and doing bunny ears or moose horns…little bastard. But I digress, this group of clowns has had a strong-arm around for centuries.

2. Their organization is fairly lose, acting as individual “cells” conducting attacks on photo, film, and video in nearly all situations.

3. Originally their financial backers were the pigment makers who could sell more paint if paintings had to be redone. Then the tab was later picked up by the film manufacturers…Kodak, Fuji, etc. Who could sell more film if the pictures got messed up and needed to be retaken. At this same time they were being co-backed by photo editing studios, who got extra money to crop out unwanted detail, and “soften” the image. But then something happen…Digital photography was developed.

When digital photography came about, the organization fell to pieces. No longer was their any financial backing, as the film producers and re-touchers now had limited business since everyone could simply delete and edit their own photos on their computer. The pixels composed of agents of The Order of Photografus Ruinus…or the Order of the Picture Ruiners… could be erased with the click of the button.

So now, in our current times, there still lies small, rogue “cells” of agents. Waiting ever vigilantly to ruin that special moment as well as they can. Many of them can’t help it…it’s in their genes. So beware my friends…beware the a-hole, goofball, clown, or ignoramous that might just pop up in your wedding album, or your graduation video…because I’m telling you…they are out there…and they are waiting for YOU.

That’s all for this episode of Unsolved Misery.