Miss me? The past two weeks have been filled with sheer madness, leading me to neglect Columbia OTR’s fan base. (If I were being honest, I would say Columbia OTR’s fan, but then you would know I am only referring to one person. Fan base makes it sound much larger.)*

So what has been consuming my every waking hour and many more hours intended for sleep? My boyfriend somehow convinced me to take charge of finding him a new apartment, and I quickly discovered that dealing with the New York City real estate is possibly the worst thing ever. Feel free to learn from my mistakes:

Adventure #1: I eagerly voyaged out to my first apartment visit and discovered that Craig’s List posters are vicious liars: “three blocks from the subway” translated to about 12 blocks from the subway; a “third floor walk-up” became a fifth floor walk up; “newly renovated” did not imply that air conditioning would greet me after I rushed up five flights of stairs, and “great location” meant filled with abandoned buildings, garbage, and homeless people.

Adventure #7: I found a listing for a great apartment, and I called the owner to ask a few questions. After chatting for a few minutes, I found out that he doesn’t do leases; he prefers to manage his tenant relationships based purely on trust. And I am supposed to trust that he won’t scam me and will return my deposit. NEXT!

Adventure #15: I am addicted to Craig’s List. I sit in front of the computer and hit refresh for hours on end. I was sure I would be the first one to see an ad for an amazing apartment in Chelsea, but I called and found out that it was taken in the two seconds it took me to dial the phone.

Adventure #19: Just based on the sound of my voice, the owner of an apartment near the Brooklyn Museum asked me if I am okay living near black people. When I say “of course,” he responded “really? Are you sure? You’ll be pretty much the only white girl in the neighborhood. Can you really deal with that?” I could, but I couldn’t deal with this guy’s attitude.

Adventure #23: This is crap. I decided to suck it up and pay a broker’s fee to get an apartment the easy way. Yeah right – turns out that the only apartments in my price range managed by brokers are the size of my freshman year dorm.

Adventure #34: I realize that I know nothing about Brooklyn. While I understand that “Upper East Side” can be code for “East Harlem,” I did not realize that “South Park Slope” is code for “sketchy ghetto of Flatbush.” I actually passed the apartment building I was supposed to be visiting several times because I thought it was a project. Once inside, I couldn’t find the super because he was busy asking the mailwoman if she has his food stamps and if she can give him some sugar. When we finally connected and got in the elevator, the super greeted the two parties of a drug deal in progress as if he were just saying hi to any old tenant. I should have just gotten back on the subway as soon as I got off.

Adventure #46: After many dashed hopes and failed attempts, I finally found a great apartment and scrambled to get it before anyone else. Score. Now I just have to deal with buying furniture, packing, and moving…maybe finding the apartment isn’t the worst thing ever.

*I am aware that this line is stolen from writers far more clever than I am. Five points if you get the reference.