Emily Post has guided Americans through cutlery, formal introductions, and re-gifting, but there are certain things we wished she’d give college students a bit more guidance on. Like what to do when you accidentally break someone’s Wii. Or post-coital etiquette. Who knows the proper things to say, but we can think of Things Not to Say After Sex, such as:

1) “Oh you’ve never had sex before? I’ve never used a condom before.”
2) “So could you give me your friend from the bar’s number?”
3) “That was almost as good as masturbating!"
4) “I can’t wait to have kids!”
5) “Oops, hadn’t noticed you’d finished. I must have fallen asleep.”
6) “They call me the One Hit Wonder.”
7) “Yeah, that was great. You’re like the nineteenth best lay I’ve ever had.”
8) “Professor Smith, for a guy old enough to be my dad, you’re pretty functional.”
9) “It’s okay. Sometimes you just can’t come. I mean, I never come with you, and you still like me, right?”
10) “Is that fish smell coming from you?”