Dear Women of UCSB,

Greetings from your favorite symbol of Americana: the Liberty Bell! I probably don't need to remind you that I'm quite famous for my rather large crack. I’m not telling you this in order to toot my own horn (or ring my own bell, as it were), but word has reached me all the way in Philadelphia that you, the ladies of UCSB, are trying to share in my glory. Apparently some of you wear low-slung jeans and little thong bikinis that feature, well, your cracks. In short, many of you sport what I humbly refer to as Liberty Bell Ass.

I am flattered by your attempted emulation and impressed by your patriotism! You, the Liberty Bell Asses of UCSB, are the true American heroes. Keep showing those cracks, and let freedom ring!

Best,
The Liberty Bell
Philadelphia, PA