Yesterday, Penn students gave everyone reason to believe that Ivy Leaguers know nothing about sex. Today, Liana Mancini, Cornell ’09, provides some raunchy evidence to the contrary.

In an op-ed published in the Cornell Daily Sun, Mancini describes her journey from sex-crazed nymphomaniac to a tethered-at-the-hip monogamist.

“I am a historically unfaithful person,” she writes. “I’ve fooled around on a lot of people lots of times while keeping up a pretense of fidelity… all with the understanding that the word “monogamy” would shrivel my she-rection in the blink of an eye.”

However, when she met her current beau “Boyf,” Liana’s perspective changed, and she became so enamored with the “frat bro” that she gave up the bedroom shuffle, in favor of long-term, long-distance monogamy.

The secret to their successful relationship comes down to one defining moment:

I met Boyf in the fall of my junior year. After a few months of much flirting and blue-ball-inducing sexual tension, I met Boyf’s penis. And a couple of months after that, I grabbed a Sharpie and drew a face on my torso with boobs for the eyes, a nose down my middle, and a smirking mouth that terminated at my bellybutton.

 

He laughed his ass off while I shook my eye-tits to and fro. It was a pivotal moment that changed our relationship from “friends with bens” to “Holy shit, you’re amazing and I could really dig spending all my time with you.”

Lesson learned, ladies: If you want to keep your man, use the patented “Torso Boob Face” trick to lock him into a comedic trance that results in commitment.

Note: Actual results may vary.