Alert: a threat of apocalyptic proportions lurks insidiously in our quiet beach community. A force that transcends international conflict, domestic prejudice, and even partisan politics. A terror that, if allowed to pursue its designs unabated, will obliterate us all. This harbinger of doomsday has a name: OPRAH.

As you may or may not know, Ms. Winfrey is planning a presidential fundraiser for Democratic candidate Barack Obama at the San Ysidro Ranch. At first glance, the function appears to be a benign gala event (if not ludicrously over-priced at $2300 a plate). Yet when Oprah found out the hotel was already booked for a wedding party, she sent her minions to strongarm the bride into relinquishing some rooms. Oprah’s lackeys deny involvement.

The good news: Oprah betrayed her ultra-covert nature by allowing this incident to leak to the press. The bad news? Her attack on these nuptials gives the fundraiser terrifying importance heretofore unseen. Clearly it’s phase one of a plan to bring Obama into the presidency, usurp his authority, and rise to a level of bitchy power unrivalled since the emergence of Mecha-Barbara Streisand. Consider yourselves warned.