Ever wonder why after using a credit card, or throwing away an empty bottle of soda, or bagging groceries that you suddenly become flaccid, morbidly obese, and develop breast cancer? Well, wonder no more!

According to a recent article in Best Life magazine, plastics are probably going to be sole cause of the death of the human race. Just kidding -- that's what global warming is for! But, seriously: new research shows that a compound called "bisphenol A (BPA)" is found in "food containers and some plastic bottles" and can "wreak stunning havoc in the body." The compound can cause impotence (hello, lonely nights!) and may even cause obesity. Dear Lord -- we can get fatter still and through no effort of our own? However, the real icing on this plastic death cake came from Tufts University's own Ana M. Soto, M.D., a professor of anatomy and cellular biology, who has found "connections between these chemicals and breast cancer."

If plastics are this bad, why are we still using them?! Well, at least they make our sea turtles skinnier. A famous marine biologist (probably) once said: "I like my women like I like my turtles: wearing a plastic girdle." And in the end, isn't that what really matters?