Every week, the Cornell Daily Sun prints an anonymous dairy that chronicles the daily life of one Cornell student.

While you may scoff at the notion of Ivy Leaguers leading newsworthy lives, this week’s diary, penned by a 21-year-old male, is genuinely entertaining – which suggests it's fabricated.

The diary begins as great novellas do: with nudity and sex.

2:30 p.m. I return home from class to find my nude girlfriend in my bed waiting for me. I mentally thank myself for making her a copy of the keys.

2:35 p.m. My clothes are off; lots of sex ensues.

2:50 p.m. I think she faked an orgasm. Most of my friends say that they can tell; I am completely clueless. I hope it was real.

Wait – fifteen minutes does not equate to “lots of sex.”Also, if you think she faked it, she probably did.

3:18 p.m. Sex in the shower. Almost slip a few times.

3:25 p.m. Pretty sure she comes. Pretty sure I’m waterlogged.

Seven minutes of uncomfortable sex in the shower? Nope, definitely didn’t have an orgasm here either.

Immediately following this scene, the narrative takes a turn for the worse, moving from a debauchery-riddled sex diary to a lengthy bitchfest about how the girlfriend drinks and nags too much.

However, it ends on a decidedly happy note with the girlfriend “apologizing” for her late-night binge drinking.

12:15 p.m. Girlfriend is grateful for the latte. Immediately commences giving blow job. Good girl.

12:30 p.m. Blow job leads to sex. Lots of sex, doggie style. She keeps screaming, “I’m so sorry about last night. I am such a bad girl.” Definitely no fake orgasms this time. I forgive her for being a lush, for now at least.

Starbucks is good, but not oral sex good. Plus, no self-respecting woman would ever yell out an apology during intercourse.

Fabrication confirmed.