The seemingly indispensable bastion of elitism and greed known as Wall Street has been wracked these past few months by the sub-prime credit crisis. Lehman, Bear Stearns, and Merrill Lynch have all fallen. Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will be "de-risked" by going commercial (that's like making the entire Ivy League become state schools!). Ludicrous.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Where else are we finance goons to channel our egos? Our greed? Our insatiable appetite for attention?

Not to fear, Mr. Patrick Bateman is here to provide all you investment banking monkeys with alternative occupations.

Cocaine Dealer - This occupation has a lot in common with your typical banking office job; lots of deals and negotiations, and most importantly, the ability to tell apart quality Colombian snow from that knock-off powder that comes from Mexico.

Pros: cocaine, money, women, rich clientele, tropical climates

Cons: Colombia's dangerous, low mortality

Adult Film Reviewer - Instead of sneaking peaks at NSFW content at your office, why not just embrace the art of porn fully? In my opinion, the world needs an Ebert or Roeper of porn. You'd certainly be doing more for society than you would punching numbers at your corner office overlooking the Hudson.

Pros: porn, porn, porn, better hours, masturbation expected

Cons: you have to review weird shit from Japan and Eastern Europe

Prostitute - This is more directed towards the women of Wall Street---the strong, the proud and the few. Being a prostitute doesn't stray too far from what a typical female i-banker usually does. How else do you think they got those jobs?

Pros: same gig, more flexible hours

Cons: instead of deep-throating for that $20,000 bonus check, you'll just be deep-throating for that wrinkled $20 bill