While you were all out getting sh*t-faced and wasted, you self denying alchis, here are some things you probably missed this weekend when you were face down on some guy’s couch while your “friends” shaved a smiley face into your ass hair:

1. Whole Earth Festival: As if vegan food tasting like sh*t wasn’t enough, ASUCD annually puts on a party celebrating people who don’t shower (hippies), sh*tty music (“alternative”), and not allowing you to throw away any garbage (“zero waste”). If that isn’t enough, several vendors will be on hand so that you can buy stuff from them, instead of buying stuff from the polluting corporate giants. Don’t give into consumerism, buy from these reputable individuals who don’t shower and can’t eat anything that doesn’t taste like sand or dirt. Maybe next year you'll be high enough to enjoy it?

2. Mother’s Day: Yes, as if her birthday and Christmas weren’t enough, our mother’s deserve a day all to themselves. They, after all, carried you around in their stomachs (technically the “womb”) for nine months and then shot you out of their vagina; if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. So now would be a good time to give her a call and explain that you were “busy studying for a midterm”. That is, of course, unless your mom had a C-section, in which case she probably doesn’t love you.

3. Me: For those of you who have noticed, I don’t post on weekends. That’s because I directly correlate my page views to my own self-worth, and while all of you are out partying and living your lives, I simply remind myself that I have more important things to do on weekends than post. I’m so lonely.

Note: Before giving me crap about the Vegan comment, find me one person who became Vegan because the food tasted better.