Dear Ridiculously Drunk Fat Friend,

Honey, why don't you sit down. It's hard being the thicker sister in your group of drunken whoresfriends, but there's something that you must know–everyone sorta kinda hates you. Now, it's not because you're pleasantly plump. That freshman 15 pretty much got the best of everyone. It's basically because you fail to realize that you are large and in charge and are lamely trying to do the things skinny girls do.

You cannot wear leggings and a wife beater to the bar. When your friends tell you that you look cute, they are secretly sabotaging you.

And please, don't let them get you drunk. They will let you stumble, fall down and still not tell you you look incredibly sloppy. Even when you are the cutest one in the bunch, if you surround yourself with little thin mints your drunken sloppiness is magnified ten-fold. It's just one of those unfortunate things in life.

So next time you wanna get your party on, keep in mind that you will be drunk and you will trip, slip and fall by the end of the night. If your outfit is still damage approved then you can take on the night like a champion. Screw those skinny heifers.