Harvard gravely suffered after losing $350 million through an investment in a hedge fund yesterday, leaving the endowment at the trifling sum of $29 billion.

Red alert, Janice. Whatever shall we do?

President Drew Gilpin Faust was unavailable for comment, as she was likely taking her daily cash bath.

Former President Larry Summers presumably groaned the following: "Never trust women with money... never... never..."

Students, as per usual, shrugged at the news.