Good afternoon, my fellow average Joes. Below I have provided you all with a list of essentials to get yourself by the upcoming months.

1.) Alcohol- This is obvious for college students, but let me stress the importance of getting the right drinks. You can no longer afford Guinness or any other imported beer. It's time to go back to the basics of cheap beer. That's right, I'm referring to Natty. The beer that is as cheap as dirt - similar tastes, too. For special occasions I will permit you to buy one bottle of the cheapest, warmest whiskey available, but that's it! So stock up and get ready for a long haul.

2.) Stripper- Just because the economy is going crazy doesn't mean you have to! Proceed as planned with buying a stripper for your friend's 21st birthday. Make sure to get the kind with no dignity left that's willing to leave with a happy ending.

3.) TV- You can't miss your favorite football teams and I'm not going to recommend going to a bar for the game. What with all that expensive beer and food tempting you. Stay home, wrap yourself in multiple blankets (because you can't afford heat) and cheer for your team.

4.) Friend with Benefits - This term probably hasn't been used since your high school days, but I'm bringing it back. With the world coming to a financial meltdown and your pockets becoming thinner and thinner, you're going to need a girl that's willing to throw herself at you whenever you're feeling depressed. Make sure to hold the promise of a relationship over her head to get the good stuff!

5.) Microwave - The microwave will kill two birds with one stone. While you're heating up your 60 cent soup, throw your underwear in there as well to heat those bad boys up (remember, you can't afford real heat right now). The minimal amount of time you feel heat might give your balls a chance to drop before they get too cold and hike right back up in there. Use the time that they've dropped to focus all of your available testosterone on getting a friend with benefits. Act quickly before you shrivel up again. Nothing is more embarrassing than presenting a package that looks like it has yet to go through puberty yet. (I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THAT! I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH)

So there you have it! I have just provided you, the average college male, a list of essentials to make it through these tough financial times. So what're you waiting for!? Get out there and start liquoring yourself up while you're on the phone with the female escort service with the ball game on and the girl with no self-esteem you picked up under your blanket keeping you warm and the microwave heating up your soup and next pair of undies!

Check back Monday where I will post 5 essentials for college females. I promise to be as much of an ass to the guys as I was to the girls today. Now that's fair and balanced, Fox News!