I don't know if you heard the horrifying news, but a box of tools was nonviolently removed from the Chicago campus. A greater tragedy has never struck Northwestern. If you want to protect yourself and loved ones from crimes such as these, you are advised to "notify the...Evanstono [sic] police department immediately." That must be what all those mugged people were doing wrong - they were waiting for the Evanston police to come while the poor Evanstono police were waiting by their phones all night in hopes of protecting a student from physical harm.

Better advice for avoiding tool-related crimes would be to stay out of the Phi Delt house and don't drink anything you're offered at the Deuce.