Just received this in the mailbag from an anonymous tipster (edited for mind-numbingess, but everything is SIC):

"I'm a freshman and...there's this sophomore girl in [KKG] who has been telling me all their recruitment secrets and Ive told all my friends, and we want to find out if you can tell us if they're true. For example, we're worried we're not going to make it to the "red hot 100" and that even if we do, they can say bad stuff about us when they talk about us. she said they're cons? can you find out what freshman should do to get on the reserve list where she can put us if she decides she likes us and wants us to be in the sorority?... is this what every sorority does or is this just my friend's sorority? we're freaking out about recruitment and want to know what these girls actually do. Please help! Thanks."

Here's what you can do to get on the RED HOT 100 List, dear: Stop being so desperate. Sororities, like rabid dogs, can smell fear.

PS. Sororities are allowed to say bad things about you, so put your mom on speed dial.