After perusing the Northwestern Class of 2011 on Facebook, two things are abundantly clear. One, the pathetic excuses for human beings that are this year’s freshmen have no idea what the hell they’re doing on Facebook. Two, Facebook is dangerously close to becoming MySpace.

People (especially college freshmen) aren’t smart enough to be given freedom with their own Web page.

So here are the rules to save Facebook.

1)    You are not a cartoon. Yes, the picture above is someone’s profile picture. You are also not a character from The Simpsons. You’re also not a ****ing porcupine. (All of these can be found as profile pictures in the NU Class of 2011, sadly) You are not your school’s seal. All of this is important because, as a guy, I need to know if you are attractive enough for me to friend. Because when I met you at the Keg last night, it was too dark and I was too drunk to make that distinction. Plus, I probably don’t remember your name either and a picture would help.

2)    You are allowed two applications. That’s it. And by the way, I don’t care Where You’ve Been. Applications should serve a purpose. The only purpose that serves is to show you’re a douche.

3)    Don’t move shit around. The fact that you can does not mean you should. If you want to have your head up your ass, that’s what MySpace is for.