Class of 2011…calm down. Take a second to stop Facebook friending classmates you’ve never met, looking up how much credit you will get for your ridiculous AP scores, and reading over and over the welcome homepage provided by Dean Malkiel and her cronies. College isn’t all about “opportunities and challenges” unless that “opportunity” is a half eaten box of Captain Crunch left unguarded by your sleeping roommate on top of the TV and that “challenge” is having to get up from that one comfortable spot on the metal futon you know you’ll never be able to find again.

Ok, you can go back to highlighting every other page in the course catalog. Class dismissed.