There’s a fierce, ongoing debate between the d-bags from South Campus and the tools from North Campus over who has superior living conditions. Today, we examine the North Campus dorms in hopes of finally offering some resolution to this meaningless, sorry excuse for a writing topic.

North Campus dorms are slightly larger, and are divided into a living room big enough for three ewoks to stand shoulder-to-shoulder and a bedroom that’s slightly less cramped than the Amistad. The major bonuses of living up north are air conditioning and personal bathrooms, eliminating the uncertainty of “what sick **** left that in the toilet?”

The people on North Campus seem to be on a higher plane of intelligence than those on south, though not on a higher plane of not being annoying as hell. The alpha male – the loudest, most obnoxious dick on the floor -- gets to have sex with the female who has the sluttiest, loudest laugh on the floor. This competitive mating ritual is repeated on a nightly basis.

That’s the gist of North Campus dorm life: better living quarters, lame people. Next week, we’ll examine south campus, the self-proclaimed “party campus.” Should be exciting!