Christ be praised! It’s another week of Jehovahio! Last week, the full fury of the Almighty almost came crashing down on the Chosen State (specifically Cincinnati) as a result of the sinister BMV, but a few lambs and a virgin later, all was good.

This week, the focus of our (and the Lord’s) attention shifts from Porkopolis to Crackopolis (Toledo), where 36,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses gathered for the “Follow the Christ!” themed three day convention. The primary objective of the convention was to “…Focus attention on the need to imitate Jesus in every aspect of one's life.” To a cynic (such as myself), this appears as a half-hearted attempt to win God’s favor, as I have never seen a Jehovah’s Witness with the balls to imitate the last few hours of Jesus’ life.

Other life-altering sessions discussed the power and exertion of God’s word, as well as the Christian family model. Perhaps the most important speech of the weekend, however, reminded us who really is number one. Felton Lewis III of Battle Creek, OH delivered a big Christian “**** you!” to the Hebrew nation with his sermon titled “Appreciating Jesus as the Greater Moses.” In all fairness though, I’d probably also shake my dick at someone who could part the sea when I could just walk over it.

Next week on Jehovahio: Wackiness follows when God accidentally lights the Cuyahoga on fire and tries to clean it up before Ohio notices.