To the Girl With the Novelty Pens in Lecture,

Naturally, your collection of Sanrio merchandise is impressive and understandably, merely rifling through your extensive assortment at home probably doesn’t cut it, but could you, possibly, next time you attend lecture, bring a pen that doesn’t

a) Light up
b) Make noises
c) Double as a maraca
d) Have that spring/ball thing on top, or if you must have a spring/ball thing, make sure the spring doesn’t squeak every single ****ing time you breathe
e) Smell like strawberries

It’s really not that much to ask for.  Enjoy the rest of lecture.

Respectfully yours,

Ms. RedCup