Arts Fest starts on Thursday (or Wednesday if you're a child and want to watch a marionette show) and lasts thru Sunday, and let me tell you - what f*cking false advertising that is. Arts Fest. The name kind of gives you the impression that people will be coming up for art of some sort. Yea, well no one I know is coming up for that, let's call it what it is, Excuse-to-get-hammered Fest or even Chance-for-alumni-to-relive-the-good-ol-days Fest. Those names are probably too long though.

First of all don't let someone who works for the Fest hear you call it Arts Fest, it's The Central Pennsylvania Festival Of The Arts and don't you forget it. Whatever. Last year for the first time I actually went and checked out the "art" at Arts Fest. What a waste of my time that was. Among the horrible charcoal sketches, the numerous black and white photos of Amish folk (I get it, they're strange) and sculptures you would have gotten a D for in 5th grade art class, there are a few things that might classify as art, but comeon, you don't give a f*ck.

No, what you're here to do is party. That's why even though you've been spending every weekend at the shore (or whatever you people in Pittsburgh do during the summer) you'll be driving up to Central Pennsylvania in the next couple of days ready to take on the inevitable underage drinking, DUI or disorderly conduct charge that's bound to come from the abundance of police on the streets.

So I welcome you to enjoy yourselves this weekend. Those of you who only see a summer at Penn State through drunken glasses during July. The alumnus who will be dancing at Indigo while everyone says "Really? How old is she?" The friend of a friend of a Penn Stater who can forever say "I think I was at that school once ... or maybe it was Lock Haven." And to the people who come from miles around to see "art" and listen to folk music because there is literally nothing to do in the middle of this state.

Yes I welcome you all because if not for you every last business in town would have closed (besides Cereality) and the tumbleweeds would be blowing down the street. But please, for the love of god, please stop saying you're coming for Arts Fest. Just say you're coming up to get drunk, or to re-live the time you threw up in Pollock, or because you and your boyfriend need a place to have sex ... whatever. Just don't pretend you're coming for art. Unless of course you're buying a beer can airplane from a vendor ... then I'll allow it. Hey, that's art in my book.