Harvard's announcement that J.K. Rowling will be this year's commencement speaker got me thinking about a couple of things. First, curse you, Harvard! If you're not grateful to have Rowling, let us have her, okay? (Lord knows  that we love us some Harry Potter on this blog...)

Secondly, I really hope our commencement speaker isn't shitty. Last year they had to sit and listen to Michael Bloomberg — which, as if that doesn't suck enough, is only made shittier by the fact that the year before got to see Lance Armstrong.

Let's face it: no one is going to learn how to be successful in life from a 20-minute speech at graduation. We don't want to hear from self-made millionaires or people who give lots of money to charity. We want someone famous and cool, damn it! Someone we can name-drop to make other schools jealous, not someone who'll come up in our American Politics class. I vote Conan O'Brien.