Well, procrastinators and murderous individuals rejoice as studies out of UNC may uncover genes to prove there are predisposed tendencies for murder and slothfulness.

At UNC-Charlotte, a study of lab rats has shown a connection between genomic locations and daily activity. The findings became the catalyst for a human investigation to find the “genomic map of the areas associated with regulation of physical activity,” which is currently in the preliminary stages. Slobs, unmotivated taxpayer money suckers, and overall perpetuators of excessive indolence will have a believable reason for a lack of alacrity.

The UNC-Chapel Hill campus released more concrete findings concerning extreme aggression. The researchers have found the best behavioral connection since the link between animal abuse and sociopaths. The extended observation of 1,100 boys found a relation with violent, aggressive acts and specific genotypes. Pinpointing the “violent gene” would explain the inspiration for all those Law & Order: SVU episodes, or, at the very least, those lesser watched Criminal Intent ones.

(Yes, I reduced groundbreaking research to mindless television)

Oh, Genetic research. Good for potentially curing cancer and explaining why I can’t start 30-page papers till two days before the due date. Fascinating.

Perhaps, they will find the gene that causes some people to masturbate so frequently, or the one that causes Guidos to plaster 134 oz. bottles of styling gel onto their heads.

If I have the pleasure of finding a gene, it will be the one that causes sorority girls to give blowjobs to everyone on campus.